Since I’ve been doing a ton of songwriting, I thought I’d write you a little blog about one of the songs I recently posted called “The Girl You Want Me To Be”. I always love hearing about where my favourite songs came from so I’m hoping you’ll enjoy hearing how I came up with this one. It happens to be an extremely personal song so I guess I should welcome you into the depths of my heart and soul for this one haha.
When I wrote this track, I happened to be in a messy situation with someone who I cared a lot about. Now, this boy - let’s call him Bryan - and I were never technically together, we were just good friends who enjoyed each others company and shared many laughs and good times. Going into this situation, I knew that nothing serious could come of it. I knew that he had his dreams and he lived in another country for the majority of the year and I was following my singing and who knew what city that would lead me to - it just wasn’t realistic to start something “serious”. PLUS, Bryan happened to be one of those boys that all your girlfriends warn you about and tell you to stay away from. I can’t even begin to tell you how many “be careful”s and “Angela, your going to get hurt”s I heard from my friends, and I love them for trying to protect me. But, for those of you who know me, I never really listen to things like that. I usually have to learn the hard way - as was the case in this situation.
In a way, Bryan was the perfect boy at the time. I didn’t have to commit to anything serious, I was super comfortable around him and I had a lot of fun with him. So when the time came that he had to leave, or I had to leave, I thought that I would still have a good friend that I could talk to you and that we’d remain close. Unfortunately, that’s not how things turned out. When Bryan came back this past summer, I was super excited to spend time with him and thought it was going to be just like the previous summer. But things were very, very different. While he was away, I found that I was missing him - which was never part of the “perfect plan” I had worked out in my head. I wanted to tell him how I felt, and I tried to at many times but I would always chicken out last minute and stop myself. I guess he ended up getting the hint, and wasn’t feeling the same way, so he got distant - but chose not to tell me why. This, my friends, is a terrible combination of feelings haha. Eventually, after many an argument that I wasn’t used to having with him, I found out that he was looking to “settle down” or at least try to find someone to commit to, and I wasn’t that girl. I just couldn’t wrap my head around why, all of a sudden, I wasn’t “good enough”. I found myself going over everything I could have changed, or everything I did or didn’t say that could have affected his decision and it brought me to a really sad place. I advise anyone who is doing these same things to stop yourself immediately haha it’s not going to help you.
Luckily, I happen to have one of the best outlets for feelings at the tip of my pen. I sat down one day shortly after our last big blowout happened - and with tear filled eyes, I wrote down exactly how I was feeling. My goodness, the vocals to this original demo I recorded on my phone were terrible! Trying to sing while crying is a very difficult thing to do haha. This song is about wishing that I was that other girl, the one he wanted, just so that I didn’t have to say goodbye to him. It’s about how I felt like I’d rather hide the fact that I cared so much about him, if it would have made him stay with me. If maybe, I had never shown him that he meant something to me, we would still be sitting together watching our favourite movie, challenging each other to different sports and making fun of each other like we always did instead of never speaking to each other again.
The Girl You Want Me To Be is literally, the exact emotions I was going through at the time. It allowed me to get everything off of my chest. That’s why I was extra nervous when I recorded a quick demo version and made a youtube video to show people. This song was basically, my heart in song form. It’s me admitting that, for some reason, I was willing to change who I was just to please someone else. And I know this is something everyone experiences at one point or another in their life, whether they admit to it or not; and it’s something that I never thought I would admit, and really not something I’d proud to admit. However, I was so excited to hear how many people related to this song. So many girls were coming up to me saying they saw the video and they cried watching it because they had been there before and it brought them back to the feelings they had. It made me feel much better knowing that other people had been in the same situation and I wasn’t just some crazy girl lol.
So that’s where the song came from. I’m happy to say that I definitely do NOT feel the same way now as I did then. I’m very happy with who I am and I’d much rather be with someone who wants me instead of someone else. Like I said, I could have just listened to my girlfriends telling me that he’d break my heart and I would have avoided this whole situation, but then I wouldn’t have been able to write this song that I really am proud of - bright side? haha. And just in case you were wondering, I’ve gotten over my “I hate Bryan phase” that I went through after this whole thing- with the help of many other angry songs that I wrote about him haha and I truly do wish him the best with everything.
Hope you guys enjoy the song and liked hearing about where it came from! I’ll be back with more music updates soon!